By Daniel J. Benor, MD

If you can learn from hard knocks, 
you can also learn from soft touches.
– Carolyn Gilmore

 

Mismatches

Have you ever asked yourself, “What did I do to deserve [this family I was born into?… this partner/ child/ boss/ co-worker?… this run of rotten luck, no matter which way I turn or which choices I make?…”]

Often, when we experience frustrations in our relationships, we get impatient, hurt and angry with others. These feelings may lead us to be irritable and behave in ways that provoke further negativity in the relationships. This can happen even when situations are improving.

A classic example is the wife who greets her (ever so rarely sober) husband at the door on a sober day with, “So, we’re not drinking today, eh? Have you run through your entire paycheck already?” When confronted over her provocative negativity, she reported that she had built up so much frustration and anger on previous occasions, when he came home drunk and belligerent (when she dared not confront him), that on this occasion her pent-up feelings spilled over.

Our negativity then elicits further negativity from the other person, and we are soon embroiled in yet another argument. Looking back on our behaviors, we see that we are the ones who provoked the conflict, but we couldn’t help ourselves. Our pot of frustrations simply boiled over.

 

Mistakes

There is no learning without mistakes.
There are no mistakes without learning.
– Alan Cohen

Have you ever made a silly mistake, perhaps even repeating the same errors several times? In such situations, have you ever torn a strip out of your own hide in your anger and frustration over your carelessness or inattention to detail?

It is not uncommon for us to fester in our shame, guilt or self-criticisms in such situations. We may ruminate like ill-tempered camels over our stupidity, perhaps even calling ourselves several choice names and muttering unrepeatable words that we wouldn’t tolerate from our own children, and for which we might have received a spanking from our own parents.

Billy was bright but quite absent-minded. The frustrations of others – including his parents when he was growing up; his wife of over ten years; and his employer of longer than that – were nothing compared to his own annoyance with himself. He had been diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder, but medications did nothing positive for him, and some of them brought out a terrible temper.

He was lucky to be very intelligent, and able to catch himself after the fact at least some of the time, before others noticed his oversights and errors. But he still ended up frustrated and cross when he forgot his cell phone at home, his credit card in the bank machine, and was late yet again because he missed his turnoff.

It is simply terrible when we are our own worst critics. There is no getting away from our persecutor!

 

Mishaps

Just when you think you’ve graduated
from the school of experience, 
someone thinks up a new course. 
– Mary H. Waldrip

Does it ever feel like the universe is conspiring against you? Have you had the experience of doing everything right, but the outcome is still a disappointment? Have you complimented someone over her hair color – only to be told it was the mistake of her life to have gone to this new hairdresser, and she hates it? Have you taken a shortcut through back roads when you’re running late for an important appointment, only to find your way hopelessly blocked by road construction?

In such situations again, we may find ourselves with irresistible opportunities to let our anger boil over at ourselves and others. And then we have the outstanding opportunity to get angry at ourselves for having lost our temper!

 

Remedies

Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, 
and know that everything in this life has purpose. 
There are no mistakes, no coincidences. 
All events are blessings given to us to learn from.
– Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

First and foremost, remember that no one can make you angry. Each of us is responsible for how we respond to any situation. Yes, people may behave in ways that are inconsiderate or hurtful. Yes, our expectations may be disappointed. Yes, our best efforts may not produce the responses we anticipate and would like. But how we react is our own choice.

Once we take responsibility for our reactions, many options open before us. We may choose to respond philosophically and spiritually: we can reassure ourselves that we have not been singled out for persecution by some malevolent entity and can look for the lessons in our experiences, or wait to see what unfolds in our lives as a consequence of what happened.

The apocryphal story of the Chinese farmer and his horse is an inspiration in this regard:

A poor farmer in China, a Zen practitioner, had a single horse. This horsewas essential to his work. It pulled his plow, brought his produce tomarket, and provided transportation for his family.

One day, the farmer woke to find the gate open and the horse gone. Hisneighbors came around to commiserate with him over his loss. He respondedonly with, “We’ll see.”

Two days later, his stallion returned with a herd of 20 wild mares. Hisneighbors came around to congratulate him on his wonderful good fortune.Again, he responded only with, “We’ll see.” 

The next day, his only son was struggling to ride one of the wild mares andbroke his leg. His neighbors came around again to commiserate with him overhis bad luck. Again, he responded only with, “We’ll see.”

A week later, the local warlord came to their village, conscripting everyable-bodied young male. Naturally, he was unable to take the farmer’s son.His neighbors came around again to congratulate him on his wonderful goodfortune. Yet again, he responded only with, “We’ll see…”

Despite all of our good intentions, however, we may be overcome with negative emotions in situations of Mismatches, Mistakes and Mishaps. Under such circumstances, TWR can enable us to rapidly release our negative emotions. Then we don’t end up fretting and fuming and worsening our situation.

Better yet, TWR can help us install positives to replace the negatives we are facing, both – externally and internally.

TWR is easy to learn and simple to use, yet rapidly and deeply effective. Read more at http://paintap.com .

 

Related articles
TWR is Positively Wonderful for Installing Positive Thoughts and Life-Enhancing Feelings and Beliefs

A New Meta-Positive: Compassion for Our Own Problems, Feelings, Inner Rules and Meta-Responses

Bullying can leave deep emotional scars

Further articles coming soon:

Attachment Addictions

Bullying

My Way Is Better than Your Way

Our Way is Better than Your Way

Discomforts, Dislikes and Deadly Fears of Being Wrong

Creative Clearing and Centering

 

You may reproduce all or parts of this article in your journal, magazine, ezine, blog or other web or paper publication on condition that you credit the source as follows: Copyright © 2012 Daniel J. Benor, MD, ABHM   All rights reserved. Original publication at  WholisticHealingResearch.com  where you will find many more related articles on this and similar subjects of wholistic healing.