By Daniel J. Benor, MD

How many times have you made a simple little mistake or perhaps even a big serious one and said, “What is wrong with me? What made me do something so silly?”

These questions may actually miss the point. In searching for the ‘what’ of the mishap, we may be looking at this in the wrong way.

This is particularly true if we are dealing with interpersonal issues. It may not be what you said or did that set people off and gave you an unexpectedly negative response. It may by how you said or did something that triggered negative responses.

“I need your help right now!” may be an expression of urgency and stress, as when a toddler is getting into the washing machine area where caustic chemicals stored, just when you are frying eggs for breakfast. You may be frustrated or even angry at your toddler, but your partner or older children might assume from your angry voice that you are being critical of them – and respond huffily rather than with sympathy and support.

“You really upset me when you interrupted my phone call with your trivial request that could have easily waited till I put down the receiver!” may be entirely accurate. But your spouse or children may take this as a belittling criticism, and may respond with far more excuses and self-justifications than you feel the situation warrants.

“Take your feet off that table!” may be an appropriate order to sort out a young child, a teenager, a student or an employee who are out of line in their behavior. A firm tone of voice is clearly in order. But an angry tone of voice is likely to evoke a rebellious response that you didn’t anticipate.

In all of these cases, the how of what you said would have been the trigger for stronger responses than you would have expected in these situations – more than the what.

It is easy for such issues to escalate into mutual recriminations or arguments, particularly if there have been prior negative exchanges, with residues of unresolved feelings between the people involved. Taking a deep breath before responding is the quickest way to catch yourself – before initiating such interactions, or after the explosive response occurs.

Tapping your feet or alternating tightening your toes on your right and left feet is another way to de-fuse your responses and to bring some calm into the situation. This is a part of the TWR protocol that many people have reported is amazingly effective in reducing anxiety, stress reactions and anger in difficult social interactions. The more often people use TWR, the more effective they find the tapping becomes – even without reciting a focusing affirmation in the midst of the stressful scene.

You may reproduce all or parts of this article in your journal, magazine, ezine, blog or other web or paper publication on condition that you credit the source as follows: Copyright © 2012 Daniel J. Benor, MD, ABHM   All rights reserved. Original publication at WholisticHealingResearch.com where you will find many more related articles on this and similar subjects of wholistic healing.