15-20% of people are Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). Surprisingly, HSPs may be 50% of those in psychotherapy. We can all learn from their experiences, described and explained in this book.
By Daniel J Benor, MD
DanielBenor.MD
We are sad to share that Dan Benor has passed away. Read more here.
Daniel Benor, MD
Publishing books as Wholistic Healing Publications
My Way Is Better Than Your Way
- By Conscious Commerce
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- 23 Mar, 2015
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By Daniel Benor, MD
Habits are pieces of our automatic pilot. Largely unconscious, they ease your navigation and passage through life.
Habits of perceptions:
- You tend to look at your world through the smoke screen of your memories of past experiences. If a dog scared or bit you then you may be afraid of all the dogs who cross your path in the future.
- If your parents were kind and loving, and you grew up in a safe home environment, the world as a whole will probably look safe and nurturing.
- If you grew up in a tough neighborhood, you are likely to be keeping your eyes peeled for the slightest signs of possible danger for the rest of your life.
Habits of behavior:
- If you’re a woman born before 1950, you are likely to be less assertive than a woman born in more recent decades.
- If you grew up with people who were authoritarian and you learned to behave obediently as a child, you are more likely to be dictatorial as an adult than others who grew up in permissive atmospheres in which children’s views and feelings were taken into consideration in making decisions affecting them.
Meta-rules about perceptions and behaviors:
- If you were raised in a Catholic church, your rules for altering your perceptions and behaviors may be restricted – bound by teachings that the church instilled.
- If you were raised in a family or community where decisions were made through consensus and following discussions, you are likely to be more open to considering whether your rules are best for you in new situations.
Habits make our lives so much simpler, saving us from having to make countless decisions. But at the same time, habits may restrict our adaptability in new situations. Close relationships and marriage are marvelous mirrors that help us view our habits of perceptions and behaviors anew. Invariably, two people raised in different families will have different habits of perceptions and behaviors. These may be experienced anywhere on the spectrum from funny to annoying or even to insulting or infuriating.
- Bob likes to veg out in front of the TV after work and expects Meg to do the food shopping and take care of the home; while Meg expects Bob to share in these chores, considering that she works as many hours per week as he does.
- Jenny expects to be in charge of kitchen matters and perceives Abe’s participation in preparing meals as interference; while Abe is hurt when Jenny rejects his ways of preparing and serving meals, and of washing or stacking the dishes.
- Tom expects to drive their car when they go someplace together; Grace expects to take turns in the driver’s seat.
Dealing with the rubs of different habits of perceptions and behaviors
If your meta-rules about negotiating changes in your perceptions and behaviors are relaxed and you are open to changing your views and ways of doing things, then negotiating how to compromise around your differences with others may be no problem. However, if you find yourself uneasy or unwilling to compromise in the face of such challenges, this may be a challenge in your relationships with family, friends and at colleagues at work.
TWR
can be an enormous help in lessening your anxieties, frustrations and angers in such situations. Tapping on the right and left sides of your body, while focusing your mind on something positive can lessen and neutralize the negativity in your responses to challenges to your habits of perceptions and actions.
You could tap on:
- Even though it irks me to have someone else in my kitchen…
- Even though I feel frustrated that s/he expects me to [wash the dishes; be the sole chauffeur for the children in our family; keep my toilet articles tidy and neat all the time; put my dirty laundry in the washing machine after I undress]…
- Even though I don’t want to send our children to church…
- Even though I don’t feel my boss should be reading my memos to the staff I supervise before I send them out…
The aim is not to eliminate your disagreements but to reduce your anxieties, frustrations, angers and other disturbing feelings so that you are in a better place to negotiate your differences.
On the positive side, you can also use TWR to install affirmative, caring and healing thoughts and feelings about the person with whom you are engaged in sorting out your differences.
- I know he just wants to be helpful…
- I love her and want to be supportive to her…
- We can find the best ways to live harmoniously together and I’m going to listen to him respectfully and state my views and expect equal respect in having my views heard.
Many such conflicts can be resolved when we reduce or eliminate our negative feelings and habits of perception and behavior.
When feeling or habits remain strong and differences prove challenging to resolve, the help of a counselor or therapist can help you find your way through to positive resolutions of conflicts. Having trained in marital and family therapy and having practiced wholistic psychotherapy for several decades, I have found that these sorts of problems often can be resolved with the help of an outside mediator and counselor.
You may reproduce all or parts of this article in your journal, magazine, ezine, blog or other web or paper publication on condition that you credit the source as follows: Copyright © 2014 Daniel J. Benor, MD, ABHM All rights reserved. Original publication at WholisticHealingResearch.com
where you will find many more related articles on this and similar subjects of wholistic healing.